S1E10 Willpower Instinct Kelly Mcgonigal

Generated: 2025-07-04

Full Transcript

[00:02] Hey beautiful people, welcome back to Read, Reflect, Rise. [00:07] I’m your host, Will Struthers-Cooper, a wellbeing coach, a teacher and someone who truly believes [00:13] in the healing power of words. [00:16] Each week I read aloud from the work of a transformational author, reflect on the wisdom [00:21] within their words, guide you through a meditative pause or break and leave you with a mantra [00:27] or affirmation to rise with. [00:29] Today we’re diving into the science and the heart of self-control or your I will, I won’ts [00:37] and I wants. [00:40] Our spotlight is on psychologist and author Kelly McGonigal and her game-changing book, [00:45] The Willpower Instinct. [00:47] It came out in 2012 which makes it an oldie but a goodie. [00:51] I had to include this in season one of Read, Reflect, Rise as it has had such powerful [00:56] results for me. [00:57] I know it can help anyone grow. [01:00] When I read this book I ended up doing Project 35 where I wrote a poem every single day for [01:05] an entire year. [01:07] Which is so hard, I’m not going to lie. [01:10] It was a real discipline and it’s the most disciplined I think I’ve ever been in my life. [01:15] I know this book can help anyone grow in any situation. [01:20] So if you’ve ever felt like willpower deserts you when you need it the most, whether it’s [01:25] resisting that scrolling, that snacking or snapping in the chaos, dropping on fulfilling [01:31] your desires or meeting deadlines, this episode is your invitation to rewrite that story. [01:38] To rewrite the habits that have stacked up to put you where you are today, to choose [01:44] intentionally and begin again. [01:47] Let’s get going. [01:49] Get comfortable. [01:50] Get curious. [01:51] This is your time. [01:56] Kelly McGonigal is a health psychologist and lecturer from Stanford University who bridges [02:02] the worlds of neuroscience, compassion and behavioural change. [02:06] Her work blends hard science with heart-led insight and huge doses of humorous writing [02:11] and the willpower instinct is a perfect example of that. [02:16] In it she explains how willpower isn’t about white-knuckling our way through temptations [02:21] but instead about understanding the why behind our impulses so that we can respond with kindness [02:29] and clarity. [02:32] One of her central teachings is that self-criticism drains willpower while self-forgiveness strengthens [02:40] it. [02:42] Yep, let’s hear that again. [02:44] Self-criticism drains willpower but self-forgiveness strengthens it. [02:50] That is a major reframe. [02:54] One that’s backed up by science research and real-world experience. [03:00] And here’s the best bit. [03:01] Kelly doesn’t tell us to be better. [03:04] She teaches us how to be with ourselves in the moment better. [03:11] There may be lots of things we want differently but we’re all good as we are. [03:15] We’re just becoming more wise noticeers. [03:21] Let’s hear Kelly’s words. [03:26] The fight or flight response. [03:28] I should probably say she’s just been talking about running away from a saber-toothed tiger. [03:33] Context. [03:35] The flight or fight response is one of nature’s greatest gifts to mankind. [03:41] The built-in ability of your brain and body to devote all of their energy to saving your [03:47] butt in an emergency. [03:50] You aren’t going to waste energy, physical or mental, on anything that doesn’t help [03:54] you survive the immediate crisis. [03:57] So when the fight or flight response takes over, the physical energy that might a moment [04:02] ago have been devoted to digesting your morning snack or repairing a hangnail is redirected [04:08] to the task of immediate self-preservation. [04:12] Mental energy that was focused on finding your dinner or planning your next great cave [04:17] painting is re-channeled into present moment vigilance and rapid action. [04:23] In other words, the fight or flight stress response is an energy management instinct. [04:31] It decides how you’re going to spend your limited physical and mental energy. [04:38] A new kind of threat. [04:41] Still in the savanna of the Serengeti fleeing the saber-toothed tiger? [04:45] Sorry about that. [04:47] I apologise if our trip back in time was a bit stressful, but it was a necessary detour [04:52] if we want to understand the biology of self-control. [04:57] Let’s come back to today. [04:59] Away from the prowl of now extinct predators. [05:02] Catch your breath. [05:04] Relax a little. [05:05] Let’s find our way somewhere safer and more pleasant. [05:10] How about a stroll down your local main street? [05:13] Imagine it now. [05:15] It’s a beautiful day with bright sun and a gentle breeze. [05:19] The birds in the trees are singing John Lennon’s Imagine. [05:23] When all of a sudden, BAM! [05:26] In a bakery display case, there sits the most delectable strawberry cheesecake you have ever seen. [05:33] A radiant red glaze glistens over its smooth, creamy surface. [05:39] A few carefully placed strawberry slices bring to mind the taste of childhood summers. [05:46] Before you can say, [05:47] Oh wait, I’m on a diet. [05:49] Your feet are moving towards the door. [05:52] Your hand is pulling the handle and bells chime your tongue-hanging, mouth-drooling arrival. [05:59] What’s going on in the brain and body now? [06:02] A few things. [06:03] First, your brain is temporarily taken over by the promise of reward. [06:09] At the sight of that strawberry cheesecake, [06:12] your brain launches a neurotransmitter called dopamine from the middle of your brain [06:16] into areas of the brain that control your attention, motivation and action. [06:24] Those little dopamine messengers tell the brain, [06:28] Must get cheesecake now, or suffer a fate worse than death. [06:35] This might explain the near-automatic movement of your feet and hands into the bakery. [06:41] Whose hand is that? [06:43] Is that my hand on the door? [06:44] Yes, it is. [06:45] Now, how much is that cheesecake? [06:49] While all of this is happening, your blood sugar drops. [06:53] As soon as your brain anticipates your mouth’s first creamy bite, [06:57] it releases a neurochemical that tells the body to take up whatever energy is circulating in the bloodstream. [07:05] The body’s logic is this. [07:07] A slice of cheesecake, high in sugar and fat, is going to produce a major spike in blood sugar. [07:15] To prevent an unsightly sugar coma and the rare, but never pretty, death by cheesecake, [07:21] you need to lower the sugar currently in the bloodstream. [07:24] How kind of the body to look out for you in this way. [07:29] But this drop in blood sugar can leave you feeling a little shaky and cranky, [07:34] making you crave the cheesecake even more. [07:38] Hmm, sneaky. [07:41] I don’t want to sound like a cheesecake conspiracy theorist, [07:43] but if it’s a contest between the cheesecake and your good intention to diet, [07:49] I’d say the cheesecake is winning. [07:52] But wait, just as in the Serengeti, you have a secret weapon. [07:57] Willpower. [07:59] You remember willpower, the ability to do what really matters, even when it’s difficult. [08:05] Right now, what really matters isn’t the momentary pleasure of cheesecake molecules hitting your palate. [08:11] Part of you knows that you have bigger goals, goals like health, happiness and fitting into your pants tomorrow. [08:19] This part of you recognizes that the cheesecake threatens your long-term goals, [08:24] and so it will do whatever it can to deal with this threat. [08:28] This is your willpower instinct. [08:34] But unlike the saber-toothed tiger, the cheesecake is not the real threat. [08:39] Think about it. [08:40] That cheesecake cannot do anything to you, your health or your waistline, [08:45] unless you pick up the fork. [08:46] That’s right, this time the enemy is within. [08:51] You don’t need to flee the bakery, although it might not hurt, [08:55] and you definitely don’t need to kill the cheesecake or the baker, [09:00] but you do need to do something about those inner cravings. [09:03] You can’t exactly kill a desire, and because the cravings are inside your mind and body, [09:09] there’s no obvious escape. [09:11] The fight-or-flight stress response, which pushes you towards your most primitive urges, [09:16] is exactly what you don’t need right now. [09:20] Self-control requires a different approach to self-preservation, [09:25] one that helps you handle this new kind of threat. [09:29] What is the threat? [09:32] We’re used to seeing temptation and trouble outside of ourselves, [09:36] the dangerous doughnut, the sinful cigarette, the enticing internet. [09:41] But self-control points the mirror back at ourselves [09:45] and our inner world of thoughts, desires, emotions and impulses. [09:51] For your willpower challenge, identify the inner impulse that needs to be restrained. [09:59] What is the thought or feeling that makes you want to do whatever it is you don’t want to do? [10:06] If you aren’t sure, try some field observation. [10:09] Next time you’re tempted, turn your attention inward. [10:17] Let that sink in. [10:19] Willpower. [10:22] Field observation. [10:26] Curiosity. [10:32] Self-preservation. [10:34] Self-forgiveness. [10:35] Long-term goals. [10:38] And pause. [10:40] Next time you’re tempted, turn your attention inward. [10:45] Get curious. [10:47] What’s going on in there? [10:52] Turn your attention inward. Is that not what it’s all about? [10:56] It’s self-awareness. [10:57] It’s being mindful. It’s noticing. It’s curiosity. [11:02] That’s how we learn. [11:04] That’s about instinct. [11:05] That’s your inner knowing. [11:07] This is the growth edge. [11:10] Right there. [11:13] Let’s take this into practice now, together. [11:16] Wherever you are, if it’s safe to do so, you can gently close your eyes, soften your gaze. [11:21] I want you to take your feet and press them down into the ground or the surface that you’re on. [11:29] If you’re driving, do this carefully. [11:33] Put some pressure on the balls of your feet, onto your toes, the heels. [11:37] You could do the same with your hands. [11:39] Almost like a rocking motion. [11:42] Exploring the pressure, exploring the feeling. [11:47] We’re coming into our bodies. We’re grounding. [11:52] We’re going to create a pause. A pause for self-awareness. [11:57] A pause for curiosity. [12:00] A pause with purpose. [12:05] Still moving those feet, still pressing in. [12:08] We’re going to take a breath in and release. [12:14] Allowing your shoulders to rise. [12:17] Perhaps even allowing your hands to rise. [12:20] Breathing in. [12:23] Stretching and releasing as you exhale. [12:29] Perhaps repeating, but this time allowing yourself with a sigh to release. [12:47] Letting go of anything you’re holding. [12:54] Releasing any thoughts, tensions, to-dos. [12:59] This is your moment. [13:02] Pressing your feet down. [13:06] Or pressing your hands down. [13:08] Perhaps doing both in unison or one at a time. [13:14] Feeling into your body. [13:20] Allowing the pressure to connect you more deeply with those parts of your body. [13:30] Allowing your lungs to expand as much as they want to. [13:37] Your exhale to be as long as feels comfortable. [13:45] Perhaps allowing parts of your body to stretch and rise as you inhale. [13:53] And if it feels like a fit, perhaps adding some pressure downwards on the exhale. [13:59] Into your feet, into your hands. [14:03] Allowing any limbs you’ve risen up to float down. [14:11] Allowing yourself to pause in the midst of being. [14:21] In this moment there is nothing you need to do. [14:28] If you’re mid-task listening to that pressure, take that moment. [14:36] A microsecond pause. [14:42] Allowing your body to rise, expand, release and rest. [15:06] That’s it. [15:10] You’re doing it. [15:17] Now let something that you want to do or you want to stop come into your mind. [15:28] Could be something big, could be something small. [15:42] I’d like you to take a little bit deeper. [15:47] Take some curiosity to this thing. [15:55] I want to do this or I don’t want to do this. [15:59] I will do this or I won’t do this. [16:07] Just explore the thoughts you have without getting attached and carried away with them. [16:14] Pressing down into your feet or onto your hands. [16:18] If you need to ground yourself and come back to the present moment. [16:25] And we’re going to go underneath that want or that won’t or that will and ask why. [16:36] Why is this something I want or don’t want? I will do or won’t do? [16:44] Pressing down onto your feet, onto your hands. [16:50] Grounding ourselves, observing the thoughts, not chasing the thoughts. [16:56] Seeing what arises. We’re not forcing an answer. [17:01] We’re letting something rise slowly to the surface when we drop in. [17:05] Why? [17:06] Why? [17:09] Why do I want this? Why don’t I want this? [17:15] Why do I do this? Why don’t I do this? [17:22] Pressing your feet, rocking from heel to toe. [17:31] Taking your breath in and letting yourself settle while you observe these thoughts. [17:46] You may have emotions arise. You may have a thought or a word for a feeling. [17:51] You may have absolutely nothing pop into your head or your body. [17:56] And that is absolutely perfect as well. [18:09] And now with that curiosity we’re going to blend compassion. [18:13] Placing a hand on our heart or perhaps resting and cradling our cheek into the palm of our hand. [18:21] Something that feels soothing. It could be a stroke, it could be a press, it could be a squeeze. [18:30] Yeah, we’re noticing. [18:32] And into that space, that kind touch, acknowledge yourself. I see you. [18:53] I know you have desires and purposes and instincts and intuitiveness and knowing. [19:10] I know what I need. [19:17] There’s purpose here at play. [19:25] This is the pause right here to listen to that canning that’s inside your body. [19:44] Give yourself some grace and encouragement. You’re doing it. [19:50] Right now you are here learning, growing, trying. [20:05] You could say some kind words to yourself if it feels like a fit. [20:11] You’re doing great. [20:15] I’m so proud of you. Or perhaps simply I acknowledge you for wanting change. [20:27] That may be enough. [20:32] That in itself is huge. [20:42] Allowing all those thoughts and words to settle into your heart space. [20:51] Pressing down again on the soles of your feet, the palms of your hand. [20:56] Adding some pressure. [21:01] There’s a firmness in you. There’s a presence in you. There’s a purpose in you. [21:09] Your instincts are strong when you stop and pause and listen. [21:22] Allowing yourself another breath in to that strength and a release out. [21:32] Bringing your attention back to the room that you’re in. [21:35] Perhaps touching something or focusing your gaze on something to make yourself land. [21:46] There we go. [21:50] Pause in the willpower instinct. It’s not just a self-help cliche. [21:54] It’s a magic doorway. It’s a moment of mindfulness and that’s where the paths diverge. [21:59] From the habits that we’ve been stacking up into the way that we choose to move forward. [22:05] So the next time you’re drawn towards something you think you will do, you think you won’t do, or you just damn well want. [22:13] Whether it’s sugar, whether it’s screams or something else. [22:17] See if you can meet that urge with curiosity and kindness, mindfulness, awareness and intention, not condemnation. [22:27] I know you can do that. [22:30] I know it’s a practice. [22:32] It’s always a practice. [22:35] We fall once, we stand back up again. [22:39] With kindness. [22:43] And here’s your affirmation to rise with me this week. [22:49] I have the ability to choose. [22:52] I choose with compassion. [22:56] I choose with intention. [23:00] I have the ability to choose. [23:03] I choose with compassion. [23:07] I choose with intention. [23:13] I have the ability to choose. [23:17] I choose with compassion. [23:19] I choose with intention. [23:24] Write it down, chant it, march to it. [23:28] Let it become a thread of strength and purpose in your day. [23:33] And know that when you say this, land it with strength. [23:39] I have the ability. [23:41] I choose. [23:44] If you start off and the I sound soft, I have the ability to choose. [23:49] Plant those feet, press down into the different parts of your foot. [23:55] Move, press, strengthen. [23:59] Use strength in your voice. [24:03] Strength in your body. [24:05] I have the ability to choose. [24:08] I choose with compassion. [24:11] I choose with intention. [24:13] Really ground that. [24:15] That’s the strength and the pause. [24:25] Thank you so much for being here with me today. [24:29] If this episode has resonated with you, I’d love it if you could leave a quick review. [24:34] It helps the podcast grow and it helps other people rise with us. [24:38] And if you’d like to go deeper, you can access free resources at ReadReflectRise.com. [24:43] Sign up and you’ll get access to this meditation, these affirmations, the books that I’m focused on, [24:49] but also companion books and partner books that I think go really, really well with them. [24:54] There’ll be new things coming up as well and you’ll be the first to hear about it in there. [25:00] So go well, folks. [25:01] And remember, there is magic, medicine and power in the words that we weave and wield. [25:08] So until next time, keep reading, keep reflecting and keep rising.