S1E11 Byron Katie I Need Your Love Is That True

Generated: 2025-07-04

Full Transcript

[00:01] Hi everyone, welcome back to Read, Reflect, Rise, the podcast where words can become medicine [00:06] and soul meets some strategy for an inner healing journey. [00:10] I’m your host, Will Struthers-Cooper, a teacher, a coach, a little bit of a word alchemist [00:15] and a fellow human being learning how to show up with more presence, less pressure and hopefully [00:21] a whole lot more self-compassion. [00:23] If you’ve ever found yourself bending, shrinking, shutting yourself down or completely overdoing [00:29] it just to feel loved, seen or approved of, today’s episode is just for you. [00:36] Byron Katie is our chosen book of the week and her words are here to very gently disrupt [00:41] the stories we tell ourselves about love and worth. [00:44] Let’s dive in. [00:45] Byron Katie is a world-renowned speaker and author, best known for the work, a method [00:50] of self-inquiry that helps people question the thoughts that cause suffering, a type [00:55] of DIY therapy inquiry if you will. [00:58] Her books, including Loving What Is and today’s focus, I Need Your Love, Is That True? [01:05] asks the big, bold, often uncomfortable questions that lead to a good dose of healthy liberation [01:11] in the mind. [01:13] Katie doesn’t teach that love must be earned or maintained through effort. [01:17] She reminds us in a very disarmingly calm way that real love, the kind of love that [01:23] we’re wired for, it already exists underneath the stories that we sometimes believe. [01:30] In this book, she turns the lens towards one of our deepest desires, love and approval [01:35] from others. [01:37] And she invites us to ask, is that really what we need? [01:45] So here’s Byron Katie’s words. [01:48] It may seem odd at first to look at grand passions or unhappiness, especially unhappiness [01:55] about love in terms of thoughts. [01:58] Still, if you slow down and take a look, you’ll find that there is always a particular thought [02:05] that triggers any stressful feeling. [02:09] Anxiety about love is the result of simple, childlike thoughts, thoughts that everyone [02:15] has, even 90 year olds. [02:17] I need your love. [02:19] I’d be lost without you. [02:22] Unquestioned thoughts like these pretend to guide you towards love, but in fact, they [02:27] are obstacles to it. [02:29] People who are upset sometimes say they can’t locate the thought that is causing the upset. [02:35] They can only feel a flood of emotion. [02:38] That doesn’t mean that the thought isn’t there. [02:41] Suppose for example, you say something heartfelt and he doesn’t reply. [02:45] He just gets up and leaves the room. [02:48] You’re left sitting there feeling as though the world has ended. [02:51] The thought may be, he isn’t interested in me. [02:54] It may become, why do I bother? [02:58] No one really cares about me. [03:01] If you aren’t feeling upset right now as you read this, remember a past situation in your [03:06] life when you were upset. [03:08] Be still and allow that feeling to recreate yourself itself. [03:14] If you’re upset and you can’t seem to find the thought behind the emotions, try this. [03:20] Take some time to travel inwardly towards the place where the feeling is most intense. [03:25] That means sinking into the physical sensation of the feeling. [03:30] Let yourself be upset all over again for your own sake and this time give it a voice. [03:36] If the feeling could talk, what would it say and who would it say that to? [03:42] Don’t rush. [03:44] Be precise. [03:46] Otherwise you’re likely to come up with something that seems wise or kind. [03:50] The thought that you think you should be thinking. [03:54] Instead of the thought that’s really there and hurting. [03:58] Suppose you’ve just returned from travelling for a week with a new friend and your hopes [04:03] for the experience were completely dashed. [04:06] A psychologically correct thought such as, [04:09] my expectations were too high. [04:13] Isn’t what you’re looking for when your real feelings are saying, [04:17] you let me down. [04:20] You hurt me. [04:22] You lied. [04:24] You’re not the person you pretended to be. [04:29] Your actual thought. [04:31] The one you blurt out in the moment like a child. [04:35] Write that thought down as bluntly as you can. [04:38] That’s the thought you’re looking for. [04:41] Often within pain or depression there are thoughts you’ve had for so long [04:46] and held so close that you don’t even know they are there [04:50] and you’ve never stopped to see if you even believe them. [04:55] What if you stopped to ask? [04:57] What if you had a method of seeing whether you really believe your most disturbing thoughts? [05:03] The work, it’s also called inquiry, is exactly that. [05:07] Seeing it as a method is only temporary. [05:10] After you do inquiry for a while you find that it becomes automatic. [05:15] Your natural way of relating to thoughts. [05:18] Believing your thoughts comes to seem more and more unnatural. [05:22] A method of filling yourself. [05:24] And it becomes clearer and clearer that inquiry returns you to reality. [05:31] How do you bring a thought to inquiry? [05:37] After you’ve found the thought that’s upsetting you, the first step is to ask if it’s true. [05:43] That means checking in against your own truth, going inside yourself and seeing if you really [05:47] believe the thought that’s troubling you. [05:50] Does the thought match what you know is reality? [05:53] In most cases it doesn’t. [05:56] There’s no reason to believe that thoughts match reality. [06:00] As you move through life thoughts appear like shots in the dark. [06:05] They are no more than vague attempts to figure out what’s going on around and inside you. [06:11] When you’re seeking love and approval many thoughts are aimed at deciphering the behaviour [06:16] of the people you care about or theorising about what’s going on in their minds. [06:21] In a sense every thought poses a question. [06:25] Something like, is this what’s going on? [06:28] A thought about something we perceived, if it were expressed accurately, might say, [06:34] I think he insulted me. [06:35] Is that what happened? [06:37] But like children we tend to focus on the alarming part, he insulted me. [06:44] We grab hold of it then react as if the thought were a fact. [06:47] We go into pain or we attack instead of answering the question implied by the thought. [06:54] He insulted me. [06:55] Is that what really happened? [06:58] What if the reason he didn’t answer your friendly wave across the street [07:01] is that he didn’t see you because he wasn’t wearing his glasses? [07:11] I think we’ve all been in a situation where we’ve had a hurt or a perceived hurt or a slight, [07:21] whether it be he, she, they, whether it be someone across the street, someone in her home, [07:28] someone at her work, one of our children, one of our parents, [07:35] how many times have we reached outside of ourselves for proof? [07:42] How many times have we reached outside of ourselves for proof that we’re enough? [07:47] And how many times have we played along with something in our head? [07:54] A thought, a story, a hurt, an insult, using wise or kind words and trying to rise above it, [08:02] still feeling that feeling deep in our body. [08:06] They hurt me. [08:09] I feel hurt. [08:15] Inquiry is not an easy thing to do. [08:18] Byron Katie’s written multiple books on it. [08:22] You know, it’s something that keeps therapists, millions and millions of dollars and pounds [08:27] of money and industries going because our thoughts and reality are not the same thing. [08:38] Like that one’s sinking. [08:40] What we think and what is real do not necessarily align. [08:47] And this work that we’ve been doing on this journey since episode one of mindfulness, [08:52] of compassion, thinking about burnout, thinking about the chaos that we live in, [08:59] thinking about how we can rewire our brains to be happier. [09:05] They’re all in this journey. [09:08] They’re all along understanding our thoughts better so that we can discern with greater clarity. [09:17] And it’s, it can be heavy work and it’s brave people that undertake it. [09:31] So let’s go into our meditation practice. [09:39] Sitting or standing comfortably. [09:44] Bring your focus to something that you’re in touch with and contact with. [09:52] Feel the solidity of it. [09:54] Feel the reality of it. [09:56] Feel its existence. [09:59] And with it, feel your existence. [10:02] How is your body moving? [10:05] How is your body being stationary? [10:11] Bring your attention to the outside of your body where it meets the air. [10:19] Think about the shape and the size and the presence of you. [10:27] Focusing on that tiny little barrier of where the air touches your body [10:32] and your body touches your clothes, your chair. [10:38] The ground, the air. [10:45] Allowing yourself a breath in and a breath out. [10:56] Observing your rib cage expand and contract your diaphragm. [11:05] Expanding and contracting. [11:14] Placing your hand on your heart and acknowledging yourself for your bravery. [11:29] For showing up today. [11:32] For showing up every day. [11:35] No matter what realities we face, no matter what thoughts occur, you’re here. [11:46] And sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s sticky. [11:50] Sometimes it stutters and sometimes it flows. [12:01] And while you’re resting or moving, [12:06] imagining or placing pressure onto your chest above your heart. [12:15] I want you to imagine pulling a great big beautiful soft but cosy throw or quilt or [12:29] duvet or blanket around you and it’s a big big duvet. It’s a big big quilt. [12:38] It’s coming right up to the top of your head, [12:43] extends right down to the tips of your toes and you can wrap yourself [12:47] over in it, up in it three times if it feels like a fit. [12:52] And if it doesn’t feel like something you want to wrap around you, [12:56] perhaps it’s something you want to lay down on. Smooth your hands across it. [13:03] It feels like a great big holding hug. [13:10] An embrace. An embrace of the kind that you like. It could be light, it could be tight. [13:18] Could be a quick squeeze, it could be a great big never ending bear hug. [13:28] And give that cover, that hug a colour. It might be pink, it might be purple, [13:37] it might be a beautiful aqua, it could be an ivory or a bright cloudy white. [13:44] It could have pictures or patterns. [13:53] Allow yourself to rest in that embrace. [14:00] Knowing that this is comfort. This is kindness. [14:10] This is compassion. And this is you, perhaps for the first time. [14:17] Perhaps for the first time in a long time. [14:23] Giving yourself kindness and compassion and love. [14:32] And if this feels tangy or a little bit sticky, that’s okay. This is a practice. [14:42] And if feelings arise that you’re uncertain of, if thoughts arise that you’re uncertain of, [14:51] you can put your hand back onto your heart or press your feet into whatever surface you’re on. [15:03] And give yourself a little compassionate murmur. This is a moment of suffering. [15:10] May I be safe, may I be well, may I be loving, may I be loved. [15:24] And now in your mind’s eye, if you’re laying on that great big cosy hug of a quilt, [15:32] if you’re wrapped up in it, I want you to imagine or to actually, if you’re acting this out in real [15:39] life, I want you to imagine yourself wriggling and moving around, getting comfy. This is your [15:46] place. You’re worthy of this. You can absolutely settle into this great big snuggle puddle of love. [16:05] And this is you connecting with the love that has always been there. [16:12] Like a baby born with love, with joy, with connection. [16:22] It’s all inside you from when you were a baby to the moment you die. [16:29] Tap into it. It’s a never ending river that’s always there for you. [16:39] Put down any thoughts that arise [16:45] and just allow yourself to exist. This is reality. [16:52] You are here right now listening to my voice, [17:03] giving yourself kindness. [17:08] You are giving yourself compassion. [17:13] This practice, this work, this exploration, that’s connection. [17:22] That’s love. [17:28] This is the love you need. [17:34] Love can be everywhere and the smallest act of kindness to yourself. [17:43] And boiling the kettle and changing the bed sheets and finishing a piece of work and starting a new [17:51] piece of work. In the way you pick the rubbish up out of your car so it is clean and tidy for you [18:02] returning to it. In the way that you open and shut the curtains to allow your body to align with [18:10] circadian rhythms and give you privacy and safety. To the way that you open whatever meal you’re [18:21] eating so you’ve got calories to survive and nutrition to thrive. [18:29] To the very glass of water that you sip from. [18:33] These are all acts of love. [18:47] Bringing your focus back to your feet. [18:51] Placing your hand on your heart if it feels like a fit. [18:58] Allowing your body to lean forward slightly. [19:03] Leaning into love and action or being. [19:15] Opening your eyes if they were closed. Fixing your focus on something. [19:21] And if it feels like a fit allowing the corners of your mouth to turn up in a small smile. [19:42] My challenge for you is to notice all the acts of care and love that you do for yourself. [19:52] It’s not often I issue a challenge but everything from doing the dishes to making sure you’ve got [19:58] clean underwear to mowing the grass to looking up at the sky to breathing deeply can all be [20:11] acts of self-care connection and love. May that be the reality that you notice this week as you go [20:21] forward. It’s not a love you need to earn. It’s a love to notice, to remember. [20:34] When we stop grasping for approval outside of us we are coming home to ourselves. [20:42] And in that place love’s not transaction. It just is. [20:50] And here’s your affirmation for the week ahead. [20:56] May I notice the love that flows within me. I choose my thoughts. I connect with love. [21:04] May I notice the love that flows within me. I choose my thoughts. I connect with love. [21:15] Again. [21:18] May I notice the love that flows within me. I choose my thoughts. I connect with love. [21:29] Let these words be a medicine when your mind starts to spin stories or thoughts of not [21:34] enough-ness. You don’t ever need to prove your worth. You already carry all the proof you need [21:40] inside of you. If this episode has stirred something in you, pause, [21:52] reflect for a moment and come back to the mantra when the urge for outside approval arises. [21:57] This is the work according to Byron Katie. The sacred, sometimes messy but always meaningful work [22:05] of remembering who we are really in our bones beneath the stories is in this work. [22:11] And if you loved today’s episode please take a moment to follow, rate and review the show on [22:17] Spotify or Apple podcasts or Amazon. It helps the podcast reach more people like you who are on this [22:23] journey. You can also head to ReadReflectRise.com to sign up for free reflection prompts to journal [22:30] on inspired by our authors. There’s companion reading lists and the affirmations that I craft. [22:38] Until next time keep rising and remember there is magic, medicine and power in the words we [22:45] weave and wield. Choose wisely.